Are We Equals?
by Silent Spirit 17
Summary: Most of Equestria's citizens would agree Princess Luna has been nothing short of wonderful upon on her return from her exile. But the moon princess doesn't seem to think so, and it's not only the guilt of Nightmare Moon weighing on her mind.


She stared forlornly into the mirror, trying to appreciate what looked back. She wasn't sure she could. She raised her hoof to the reflection, her cynical glare not catching anything different. The pony on the other side lowered her own hoof and growled. The mirror began to crack into a few large pieces.

"You know you will never be anything but a monster on the inside!" the reflection taunted. "She will always live inside you!"

The mirror's shards burst out and the first pony ducked for cover, instinctively shielding herself with her hooves. When all the shards had fallen and she looked above the broken glass around her, a new pony now stood before her, glaring at her with menace. She stood so tall, the frightened pony felt ant-sized in comparison, and she trembled more heavily when the oversized mare took a single step forward.

"You will never live up to her!" The bellow blew the petrified pony's mane and tail so strongly, they flew right off, and her coat drained of its dark color, becoming sickly pale instead. "She has made this nation what it is and you, insignificant foal, are not needed. You are an accessory and no more!"

The giant mare lifted her hoof and brought it over the much smaller pony. With a last fierce growl, she threw down her huge hoof, watching with glee as the smaller pony's face froze in shock and terror at what would be her final sight.

Luna woke up with a huge gasp for air. Her eyes darted all around her room before she threw herself upright, sweating heavily and still trying to catch her breath. She held her head in her hooves for a few seconds and shuddered. A second, slower scan of her room confirmed for her everything was normal. Another nightmare was all it'd been.

Her nightmares had been calming down since the end of the tantabus situation some days ago, but naturally, total forgiveness of one's self couldn't come in one night. What she hadn't said that night was something that continually troubled her mind, more so than her actions during her brief reign as Nightmare Moon as of late. She usually threw it out of her mind, considering it a small punishment she deserved to live her life with, but after what Princess Twilight said, she hadn't been able to toss the thought away as easily. She hadn't yet decided if that was good or bad.

Knowing she wouldn't return to sleep any time soon with her mind weighed down this way, Luna decided to head to the kitchen for a small snack that might soothe her nerves. She took notice it was still dark, but it would only remain so for another hour at best. It was only noticeable because she rarely woke up before dawn. In fact, she rarely woke up before afternoon, though she only slept longer if she felt unwell.

Luna scoured the refrigerator for something she would like, and quickly settled on some candies she'd gotten a day ago on a random whim, but hadn't eaten more than one piece of. She took the whole bag and set it on the table, but decided she'd only have a few pieces. She wasn't hungry, after all. She only needed something to calm her.

* * *

Luna awoke a second time, this time to the sound of light giggling and some light taps to her head. She groggily pulled her head out of the bag and her eyes grew wide briefly when she realized it had only three pieces of candy remaining. She pushed the bag out of the way and threw her head on the table, seeming to momentarily forget the giggling mare next to her.

"I apologize for disturbing you, Sister," Celestia laughed. "Perhaps your bed would make a better resting place?"

Luna's only response was an incoherent mumble as her drowsy eyes tried to close again, but couldn't quite do so. Her worsened headache certainly added difficulty to that. She unknowingly let out a frustrated grunt as she got up from the table to return to her room, but a gentle hoof on her back urged her to sit back down. She finally gave her attention to her sister, who'd taken a seat next to her and was no longer giggling at Luna's "bedhead" mane. Luna didn't like the look on Celestia's face. She did not want to talk right now. Of course, if she didn't, Celestia would only bring up whatever issue it was later on. For that reason, Luna gave in, too tired to argue.

"What is on your mind, Sister?" Luna asked, not bothering to hide the tiredness in her voice.

"That is what I need to ask you," Celestia replied, her previously cheerful tone now full of concern. "You're not telling me something."

"If it's about the tantabus-" A shake of Celestia's head cut off Luna's original sentence. "Then, what do you wish to speak about?"

"Princess Twilight stated in her letter you created the tantabus to atone for Nightmare Moon, correct? Is that truly all you created the creature for?"

Luna grew annoyed. "Sister, please, if you know something I don't, say it. I really do not want to play these mind games of yours right now."

"Excuse me I worry my baby sister is hurting herself and I want to help!" Celestia retorted with a subtle anger that didn't go unnoticed by Luna.

"I am exhausted!" Luna argued, her own anger much more visible. "If you won't simply tell me what you're hinting at, I am returning to my quarters!"

"Luna, you have no grounds to accuse me of being indirect when you would rather harm yourself than talk to your own sister! Did you ever think about what you could've done?"

Those words sealed Luna's lips and she sank into her chair, her eyes now meeting the floor. Celestia's upset vanished as she realized what she just said. It wasn't supposed to come out that way. She let out a deep sigh and, after taking some moments to consider her words more carefully, spread her wing around Luna's body.

Changing her tone to a gentler one, she asked, "Luna, will you please look at me?"

Luna brought her sight back to Celestia's, thought it clearly wasn't direct.

"After the incident of the tantabus, there is something I suspect is on your mind, but I don't believe it's about the tantabus or Nightmare Moon. It's about us. Am I correct so far?"

"Somewhat," Luna mumbled.

"Somewhat?"

"It is my own doubts. You needn't trouble yourself with them."

"That is exactly why I am concerning myself with them," Celestia replied firmly. "Luna, Nightmare Moon was born from your doubts. Doubts of being loved and appreciated that turned into envy and bitterness before finally becoming anger and hate. You intentionally created the tantabus out of guilt. Guilt that didn't let you forgive yourself, and turned into self-hate."

Luna had never considered the parallel between situations of Nightmare Moon and the tantabus, but after hearing it from Celestia, she couldn't disagree they were more similar than she considered.

"I meant to say did you ever think about what you could've done to yourself," Celestia explained. "It could've gotten worse. If a thousand years of isolated exile wasn't enough punishment, what _would_ be?"

Luna finally found her voice to speak up. "Sister, are you saying you are afraid I may have physically harmed myself?"

"Be truthful. Did you feel the nightmares were enough punishment?"

It took a moment for her to reply, but Luna, in a much softer tone, admitted she didn't. "I... had considered some form of physical punishment, but I couldn't think of one that wouldn't draw attention. But I am not thinking of such anymore, so you still needn't worry."

"If you would stop skipping around my question, I might relax. You still haven't told me. What is troubling your mind?" Celestia's tone briefly became firmer as she said this. "There is another reason behind the tantabus you fear telling me. I can see it in your face. It was never only to remind you of Nightmare Moon, was it? There is something else and, truthfully, I will sit here all day with you if I must to hear you say it.

Out of nowhere, Luna became anxious and she felt her chest tighten a little. Several thoughts flashed through her mind within mere seconds. She flashed back to the nightmare she had earlier. Her reflection growling at her, the mirror shattering, the oversized pony who would've crushed her to death if she hadn't awoken. She thought about the tantabus, remembering when she created it, and its near destruction of Ponyville. She thought back to Nightmare Moon, though of that, she could only remember blacking out and a feeling of overwhelming fury. It all raced through her mind at blinding speed and she could swear she felt her nerves scrambling. To say the least, it was painful, and she could only withstand a few seconds of it. Trembling with tears in her eyes, she blurted out in the royal Canterlot voice:

"AM I EQUAL TO YOU, SISTER?!"

Instead of immediately responding, Celestia pulled Luna in closely and held her until the attack passed. She'd seen Luna experience these before and the only thing that could ever be done was to wait them out, but holding Luna seemed to calm them quicker, if only slightly so.

After it was over, Celestia reluctantly let Luna pull out of the embrace because it was easier to speak that way.

"Let it out or it won't stop hurting," Celestia said gently.

Luna sighed, but no longer hesitant, she spoke her mind. "I didn't talk about these things because when you said it was time to put our differences behind us, I couldn't do it so easily. The more I tried to forget, the more it hurt. How could I say my feelings of the past hadn't changed? And now... you expect me to believe I can be your equal when you have successfully ruled Equestria for that last millennium with no help? You expect me to believe I am needed? There is nothing I'm capable of you are not." She let out another sigh. "I am an accessory to Equestria and nothing more."

To Luna's surprise, the next thing she felt was a light slap to her cheek. She quickly rubbed out the small pain before looking back to her sister's now stern face.

"Ce-Celestia?"

"Luna!" Her voice was strict, as if she was talking to a disobedient filly. "Don't you ever refer to yourself in such a degrading manner again!"

"Am I wrong?" Luna asked softly.

"You have no idea." Celestia softened her tone, but it sounded more somber than gentle. "Come with me."

Curious and a little confused, Luna followed Celestia until they came to the latter's bedroom. Celestia reached under her pillow, pulled out a journal, and urged Luna to lie down on her bed with her.

"Do you remember when we kept a journal together?" Celestia asked. "I created this during the final year without you." She opened the book to its first page and Luna immediately noticed it was dated one day before the Summer Sun celebration. Indeed, an exact year before the one Nightmare Moon took over when she escaped.

"Read that entry out loud, Luna."

Luna glanced at her sister one more time before she began to read aloud.

 _Dear Diary,_

 _1,000 years. It's almost over. This is supposed to be the last year without her. This day alone is passing so slowly. One more. I must get through one more Summer Sun celebration without her.  
_

Luna paused when she noticed there were a few smudges on the page and the ink ran a little, but she didn't mention it and continued reading aloud.

 _Were it not for my subjects, I would've terminated this celebration long ago. I despise it. I can never sleep the night before or after it. It only serves to rip my heart into pieces all over again. There is nothing to celebrate. I suppose I've mastered the brave face by now. I suppose complaining is no use. Get it over with like I have every year and go home. I can't do much more, can I?_ _When she returns, every Summer Sun celebration will be in her honor. Every one.  
_

Luna gasped when she read this. Celestia had kept true to her word, but Luna didn't know she planned it so far ahead. She assumed it was planned shortly before that night. Celestia urged her to keep reading.

 _The only day I yearn for more than her return is the day Nightmare Moon can truly be forgotten forever more. After she returns, the tale of Nightmare Moon's reign can be left behind in a few generations. Nopony alive will remember. I thank all the stars and heavens._

 _I think it's best I sleep now. Good night.  
_

 _Good night, Luna. One more year, my dear sister. One more year. If only I could tell you... It hurts so much. Can you stay strong for me?  
_

 _Celestia_

Luna wanted to say something, but she could find no words. All she could do was stare at her sister with a mixed feeling of surprise, guilt, and sadness. Celestia flipped to the end of the journal. It was the last entry, dated before the night Nightmare Moon would escape. A simple nod was enough to tell Luna Celestia wanted her to read this one aloud too. Luna took a breath and began.

 _Dear Diary,_

 _Somehow, I have gotten through all these years. One final night. This is the end. Yet, I still can't feel relief. All I can think about is what to say to her. What's the first thing I should tell her? I'll tell her how much I missed her and how much I love her, of course. I'll tell her that every day for as long as we live if I have to, so I never lose her again._

Luna's voice slowly began to break as she read, but she tried to hide it and continue without stopping.

 _The last of those portraits have finally been burned. I allowed those portraits of Nightmare Moon's defeat to please my subjects, but Tartarus will freeze over before my sister is living in a castle with constant reminders of the worst time in her life. That lifted a tiny part of the burden. I couldn't stand looking at them. I would've gathered them all and burned them to ashes myself if it wouldn't result in a smoldering crater._

 _I can't stop worrying. Will she be alright when she's purged of that darkness? What if she's ill? What if she doesn't recover? What if she's forgotten me? Is she still conscious? I gave up trying to sleep on this night long ago. All I want is for her to be alright. When she's purged of that evil, this will all be over. Then, I'll make her the most spoiled little sister in all of Equestria. Ha. She'll enjoy that. Or not, if she goes back to her old self. But whatever happens to her after, I will be there. I always will. Even if she doesn't go back to herself before she was ever depressed, or if she never recovers, or if she doesn't remember me... It'll break my heart all over again, but that's not important. She'll be free. That's all I really care about.  
_

Luna was crying in earnest now, struggling to keep her voice steady enough to read the last paragraph.

 _You'll be here again, my sister. That's all that matters, regardless of what condition you are in. One more night. Just stay strong for this last night we're apart. If you are so ill, I must personally look after you, I will. When you are free of Nightmare Moon, I will take you back however you are. Just know I have never stopped loving you, never stopped missing you, never stopped thinking of you as my sister, as Equestria's princess-_

Luna let out a small gasp among her soft crying. She wanted to close the journal, but Celestia, who was also tearful, insisted she continue reading.

 _-and as my beloved princess. We were meant to rule together, but we are sisters first. And forever. I know that now._

 _Good night, Princess Luna, princess of the night and always my beloved sister. I will see you soon._

 _Celestia_

Nearly blind from tears, Luna closed the book and pushed it to Celestia. Celestia offered her wing as comfort again and Luna accepted as she cried into it. Celestia wiped away her own tears. She put the journal away and waited patiently for Luna to quiet again. For the next few minutes, Luna's crying was the only sound in the room.

When Luna spoke again, she hadn't fully calmed down, but her crying softened enough to let her speak coherently.

"Celestia, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for being doubtful. For keeping this bottled up. For everything."

"You are not to blame," Celestia assured her. Luna tried to object, but Celestia wouldn't allow her. "I worried so much about your condition upon your return, but when you did, I thought nothing of it because I was so eager for things to return to normal. I shouldn't have expected you'd be okay in one night."

"Please don't blame yourself," Luna pleaded.

"Yes, you are my equal, Luna. The millennium of ruling you missed doesn't change that. I kept this kingdom together in your absence, but it was at the cost of living with a pain I could never speak of. You have done a splendid job in your duties since you took them on again, and you've taken so much weight off of my shoulders in doing so. You have closer relationships with some of our subjects than I can manage, particularly those three fillies who adore you. You ask for my advice once in a while. If that makes you a poor ruler, I am worse because I have also needed advice at times. Nopony is always certain."

Luna's crying ceased and she pulled herself from beneath her sister's wing, but Celestia pulled her back closer.

"I hope there's a day when you can finally forgive yourself," Celestia told her. "That past truly doesn't matter anymore, but in the end, it's for you to leave behind when you feel you finally can. For now, can I ask you to rely on me? If it weighs down on you, can you come to me for us to talk it out? Or cry it out? Whatever you need. But come to me instead of hurting yourself. I can't handle seeing you hurt, but more importantly, you don't deserve to hurt. You are not alone anymore. Can I trust you'll come to me next time?"

In spite of her exhaustion from her earlier restlessness, Luna smiled for the first time since she'd woken up. "Yes. Yes, you can. Should there be a next time, I will seek your help. That is, if you never strike me again!"

Celestia chuckled a little. "Very well. I promise. I suppose you'd like to return to bed now. You seem ready to faint."

"You must tell me one more thing," Luna said.

"That would be?"

"How do you know you can make a smoldering crater?"

Celestia looked in every direction that wasn't Luna's face before she looked back at her to answer. Her face slightly blushed and for a moment, she smacked her hoof to it. "Don't laugh."

"I'm listening."

"A spider startled me."

"I beg your pardon?" Luna asked, thinking that could in no way have been heard correctly.

"Yes, a creature the size of my shoes caused me to ignite a ravenous fire. Nopony was hurt, thank heavens."

Luna didn't laugh, but she clearly had no idea what to think either. "I'm going to... pretend you never told me that."

"Thank you."

Celestia walked Luna to her bedroom, and the moon pony quickly fell asleep beneath her covers. Celestia tucked her in tightly, taking an extra moment to appreciate seeing her sister now serene before she quietly left and closed Luna's bedroom door behind her. It was time for her to head out to attend to her daily responsibilities. She'd actually gotten behind on her schedule due to the talk with Luna, but she was used to a tight schedule, so it was nothing she couldn't deal with. Luna had desperately needed it, and after all...

Sisters first. And forever.


End file.
